Actually, the opposite approach would have been more likely to get him another date with me.. However, given that I wasn't certain, this wasn't really a mistake. ) in giving people a chance and taking time to get to know them. It has happened to me if I don't give a phone number to a stranger in a club or bar or if I say no to a drunken guy at a party. Even if my no comes in the form of "I don't think so" or "It's not a good idea" or even "I have a boyfriend." If you say no to a stranger, the worst case is that he'll get angry.I was being internally consistent, but SL was playing a different game. He played the "take all contact as a sign of interest" and "if I keep asking, she'll say yes" games. A middle case is that he'll attempt to engage you in a long conversation about why you're turning him down.
We often try to soften the blow with ambiguous claims of being ‘busy’ or ‘not ready for a relationship’.
I’ve even been known to accept a date because I couldn’t think of a nice way to say ‘no’, then try to wriggle out of it later!
‘Advice on asking someone out is all very well, Hopeful Girl,’ said the email, ‘but my concern is how to turn someone down kindly.
I find it so painfully awkward, I now avoid becoming friendly with men, in case they ask me on a date and I have to decline.’ Rejecting someone is never easy, particularly if you’re an empathetic person and you know it’s taken courage to ask.
So, if we all agree that no one wants to hear a hard no, then perhaps we need to agree on how a soft no should be delivered and interpreted. The only thing he might have done differently was to send a one or two line follow-up email saying, "It was great to meet you. Take care." Trust me, only the densest people would take that as encouragement. I have no hard feelings towards him for not making the gesture. We actually talked on the phone once but it was a bear to schedule the date because he lives in Baltimore.
While my father was visiting, I told a five-minute version of the SL story, highlighting the hot pursuit and my rejection of him. That meant it had to be on the weekend and my weekends are packed.
In the "old days," the girls couldn't ask the boys out. He sent an email the next day and said he enjoyed meeting me.
If he asked you and you couldn't go, you had to say no and perhaps add, "…but I'd really love to go out another time! He also sent a link to a website he thought I would like (he was right). Then he added, "After thinking about it, I don't see us as being a good match for one another." What did he do wrong?
Dad said, "That sound like the old days, when the guys did all the asking. We finally figured it out and met in a mutually inconvenient spot for lunch. ) The date was fine, I was nervous (unaccountably) and I did not fall in love with him.
My rule was, if she says no three times, I stopped asking." Good rule, Dad! I did hear from him again and I don't like how he handled things.
After our first formal date, we had a long phone conversation during which I tried to tell him that I probably didn't want to go out again (see code word usage above).